No, there’s no pulsing music in the background, no soft mood lighting, and no mellifluous moaning but, my friends, there is such a thing as wine porn. Cover your ears if you’re not ready for its excessive alliteration, sappy sexual suggestions, or mouth-filling modifiers. Make sure that the children are otherwise occupied, loosen your tie, and read away. But be warned, you might feel the need to indulge in a glass of wine—or even a cigarette—after reading this.
Countless tasting notes cross my desk each week as an editor at a wine magazine. Though many of them are accurate, descriptive, and intriguing, others are grossly over-written, overtly sexual, and, well, just ridiculous. Many of these tawdry little gems have found their way into my file of “Cheesy Wine Porn,” a selection of which I thought would be deliciously fun to share with you all.
The ultimate objective of tasting notes is to sell wine. I get that. Winemakers and wine sales people compile these notes with the specific intention to intrigue buyers with lush descriptions to purchase wines. And yes, sex sells. But in my personal opinion, there’s trying…and, hey, there’s trying just a little too hard. While it’s a fine line between evocative and excessively sensuous, it exists nonetheless. Wine porn, my friends, is when a description goes from suggestive, a la Scarlett Johansson, to Jena Jameson.
Now, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with cheesy descriptions. In fact, I’m all about celebrating the silliness of these excerpts. Sometimes you’ve just gotta rock a gold chain or two and savor the smut-factor.
Just like traditional porn, wine porn exists in a variety of, shall we say “flavors” to appeal to every appetite: food, sex, fantasy—you name it. I’ve taken the opportunity to put together a few of my favorite examples. Keep in mind that these are real tasting notes meant for publication. I’ve removed the label information and winery names. But they are otherwise, completely unadulterated.
Foodie Foreplay
Some tasting notes tempt the palate with abundant—and often overly abundant—flavor descriptions. They go into great detail about textures, use imagery involving “ribbons” of a particular flavor, and are generally written as gooey, over-indulgent prose. They are what I consider foodie foreplay—designed to not only pique the appetite of the erotic-minded epicure, but feed the foodie fetish.
“The Estate Syrah opens with aromas of vanilla and coco powder, framed by spicy oak that gives way to deep, dark floral accents. Once decanted, the wine develops dark fruit flavors, particularly of cassis and dried black fruit. A dark chocolate layer emerges and melds with these fruit essences, providing a deeply symphonic mouth-filling flavor. Full of soft, chewy tannins, the Estate Syrah displays a moderate licorice and herbal spice which carry through the long mid-palette to a lingering finish.”
Va va va voom! This is a vixen of a wine description…chewy tannins…a dark chocolate layer…” that is, until the “deeply symphonic mouth-filling flavor” pushes it across the proverbial “tracks” straight into tramp territory.
“The wine is sleek and glossy, laden with a delectable profusion of super ripe plum, cherry, raspberry, and pomegranate fruit accented with alluring vanilla, cola, pepper, sweet herb and warm spice notes.”
One has to wonder if this is describing a wine or a candy Ferrari? You decide.
Naughty Notes
Other descriptions are overtly sexual. I like to call them "Dirk Diggler Descriptions." They are the true “bow chicka bow bow” beauties that are written with a mission for serious seduction.
“This wine delivers a complex weave of vanilla, cigar box, and dark cocoa that unite with the fruit to form an exquisite tapestry. The bouquet exudes sensuality and sophistication, like a sexy afternoon tryst in the dark-paneled, leather-furniture-adorned library of a secret society.”
Do you think that the writer has actually experienced a sexy afternoon tryst in the library of a secret society? And wouldn’t that qualify as an over-share? I have no idea what that bouquet would smell like… nor do I really want to.
“Juicy and mouth-filling, this estate-grown Sauvignon Blanc holds itself together in a lively and flirtatious package, tempting the senses with a sweetly seductive cabaret of luscious pear, honeydew melon, grapefruit, and faint citrus flowers.”
Just so I’m clear, this is wine we’re talking about…and it’s like a fruity striptease? Sangria will never be the same.
F---ing Fantastic…literally
And finally, there are wine descriptions that appeal to those imaginative folks that relish fantasy: medieval jousts, chivalry, and maidens getting lost in the forest. I know, I know, it’s totally Dungeons and Dragons but hey, whatever turns you on…
“Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, nestled amongst the lush green trees laden with the sweet aroma of morning dew, the rogue awaits his true love. The fair maiden approaches with a delicate air of lavender and rosemary, which is instantly met by his bold kiss of blackberries and black cherries. Their matches met, the couple steals away with graceful agility, leaving behind lingering hints of strawberries, olallieberries, and a moment of peppery love that will not soon be forgotten. As all timeless tales go, this wine will be one to treasure for the next 5 to 7 years, but the stories that accompany each bottle will live on forever.”
This is wine smut at its finest, my friends. And there are plenty of gooey, over-the-top descriptions where these came from!
Until next time, my wine-guzzling gang, keep sippin’ in style and be on the lookout for those tasting notes that transcend temptation and end up, well, in the truck stop.
Cheers!
